This is a project to write down my truth as a reminder for my future self. Just in case I forgot about them somewhere along the way.
Many months ago, I had crappy friends. The friendship which initially prospered had turned so toxic that each exchange between us three left me drained out, angry and eventually depressed.
I used to think I had to stick out with my friends no matter what and that loyalty is of course a key to our friendship. Yeah well, not so much. Let me tell you something that I had to learn the hard way, loyalty and that whole sticking out with your friends through thick and thin shit largely depends on whether they are worthy of your kindness and devotion.
Lesson numero uno: Pick, CHOOSE your friends carefully.
Good friends are not always something passively given to you by 'destiny'. Just like happiness, most of the time creating a friendship that resonates with you is a deliberate choice. So one day, I decided to stop being friends with these people. It was scary because as a result of my decision I was alone. And I was alone for a long time. I had to readjust myself because I was used to having people to go out with and do a bunch of things together but now I was alone all the time in college: in class, during lunch and throughout the weeks. It was tough. But I just had to continue because even though it was hard and scary and I was on my own all the time, the truth was I would rather be alone than spend another moment in a negative relationship with people who only make me feel bad about myself.
I had just about enough with negative influences (going out late at night, the 'clique/herd' movement where you feel the pressure to follow the group decisions, the critiques disguised as 'sincere advices' and etc). Even doing things that were supposed to be fun was no longer enjoyable. It just felt forced. Instead of enjoying the moment, I tend to reminisce about how good things used to be. After my exchange with my friends, I just felt tired. Exhausted. Like I just got out of a battle.
And deep down, there is animosity simmering - you just don't like that person anymore. You might even resent them. But you stayed friends anyway because the alternative —cutting the friendship loose— is harder to do. Besides, you want to be loyal to your friends. In your head, you probably think, we should accept our friends' flaws no matter how shitty they are because no one is perfect right? WRONG. It's all fine and dandy to accept people as they are but NOT at the cost of your self-worth/value.
Learn to respect yourself. Realize that NO ONE, nobody no matter what their reasons has the right to make you feel bad about yourself. You are someone who has something great and sincere to offer and you are worthy and deserving of respect and love.
Reorganize your priorities.
Choose good friends to hang out with. That means people who make you feel good about yourself. People who you feel happy to be around with, who are not complicated, they don't say something but mean something else altogether. No hidden agendas, no power plays. No high school drama.
Secondly, be a good friend to them while staying true to yourself. It's a delicate balance but it's okay. You'll figure it out.
ONLY THEN, after you have decided whether they are friends worth keeping that you can consider about loyalty and the whole she bang.
Lastly, it's crucial that you be aware that like many things in life, this is a long process characterize mainly by trial and error. Another thing to remember is do not depend on people, or things for your happiness. They are not gonna complete your life or fill the emptiness in your life and there will be times the very same people will disappoint you and crush your expectations. That is normal. That is human. What is wrong and unnatural is to put such high hope on things other than the Creator.