I'm not perfect. I'm not nice. I don't wake up everyday thinking this world is a shiny shiny place. I am 'Jayde' beause I'm jaded.
I made mistakes and I'm not sweet. I'm not your innocent girl next-door. No, not me.
Why am I saying this?
Nothing, just making things straight.
That is why I won't judge you. I am not better than you. We ALL make mistakes. Sometimes we screwed up so bad we asked ourselves how did things turn out that way. Sometimes we are so messed up we just wanted to run. Escapism never look so sweet.
Sometimes we become tired of fighting the demons on our back who keep whispering doubts and lost hopes. We just want to stop. Stop trying, stop fighting, stop hoping, stop caring, stop everything. And you just want to surrender, like floating in a cool river - calm and off-centered - and let the tide carry you to wherever it wishes.
Sometimes we just want to forget, forget, forget and not give a damn. Then we asked ourselves, is that so bad?
We wish we are a better person. We wish we are perfect. Because those who love us deserve someone better. We feel lowly and we start to hate ourselves. We hope we can make things better for them but somehow things got out of hand.
You want things to go back to how it was before but it seems too late. The door has closed, the train has departed and the plane is already across the sky. So you spiral out of control and accept your fate. It is how it is. Let's keep going this way, let's keep messing up just to see how screwed up beyond repair we can be. It's too late. We are lost. Most importantly, we are alone.
You laugh but it sounds hollow. You smile but it feels weird, like your brain forgot the real shape. You do things but you feel empty. You no longer know peace.
But, (There is always a 'but') maybe, if we can scrounge up enough courage, we can remind ourselves that we are still breathing. We bleed so that must means our heart still pumping. We are here. We see colors, we taste flavors and we still hear the bass pumping in our ear drums. We are alive.
Why are we still here? That must mean something, right?
Maybe we can go back after all. It must not be too late because Allah still let us live.
Our Creator still let us live. He still gives us ni'mat of breathing, feeling, hearing, smelling, seeing, family, friends, health and time. We still have time. We need to call up the courage to remember that Allah says it is NEVER too late and it is never too much:
O son of Adam, so long as you call upon Me and ask of Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, were you to come to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth and were you then to face Me, ascribing no partner to Me, I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great at it.
[It was related by at-Tirmidhi (also by Ahmad ibn Hanbal). Its Isnad (chain of authorities) is sound.]
So "Call upon your Lord Humbly and in secret" (Surah A'raf, 7:55)
What I'm trying to tell you is,
It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.
You messed up. I messed up. I understand. I accept your better and your worse.
I'm not going to look at you and judge you. Screw those who do.
We ALL have our own battles to fight.
LIVE. Have courage, have courage, have courage.