Oh Ramadhan

Ramadhan has return! *Happy dance*

Are you guys excited?

You are fine just the way you are

♫ Shelter - The XX

Once upon a time, my mom told me that she thought I was damaged. She simply thought so because I am a quiet and reserved person, so unlike my sister and the rest of our loud, boisterous family. Hence, I must be damaged.

And today, on my birthday, my sister told me that I am weird and a repulsive person, that no wonder no one wants to be my friend. She was mad because I told her that while I am willing listen to what she had to say, I refuse to change for anyone but myself.

All of this started when I told my mom two weeks ago that I was feeling drained after a weekend of socializing with my friends. Thus I needed several days of solitude. I needed an interrupted time alone hence I had not been picking up calls or answering messages from my friends. My mother thought I was a lousy friend who does not value her friends. I respectfully disagree. Sure, it was a lousy thing to avoid my friends during that time but on the contrary, I intensely value the few friends that I have.

My sister and my mother were talking and they were adamant that I change myself. In their opinion, nobody feels or act the way I do. They have yet to encounter a person who feels exhausted after a few rounds of social events and needs to 'recharge' herself. I am a strange anomaly who needs to fix herself. But to me, this is just who I am. I am wired this way. For me, after a prolonged period of social interaction, quiet solitude is not just preferable but crucial.

So I flat out said no, thank you. I do not want to change myself. In fact, I refuse to even entertain the notion. I am not damage nor am I strange. I am fine the way I am.

What I am is an introvert. I am born this way. I cannot 'fix' myself. It's in my genes. It's how my brain wired itself. Neurologists, psychiatrists and psychologists alike have revealed again and again that introverts are not damage or abnormal. We are human beings with feelings. Feelings that may include do not appreciated being told to change just because I do not fit into what you consider 'normal'.

So yes, perhaps no one wants to be friends with me but I am evermore thankful for those few who want to be my friends. They are Allah's gifts for me and the rest I leave it to Allah. By Him, I depend on and my life is on His hands.

I love you both, very much, but I am tired of being told that there is something wrong with me.

It is not and will never be

This world

It is not and will never be

Eternal and perfect

Project Truth: Your Friends

This is a project to write down my truth as a reminder for my future self. Just in case I forgot about them somewhere along the way.

Many months ago, I had crappy friends. The friendship which initially prospered had turned so toxic that each exchange between us three left me drained out, angry and eventually depressed.

I used to think I had to stick out with my friends no matter what and that loyalty is of course a key to our friendship. Yeah well, not so much. Let me tell you something that I had to learn the hard way, loyalty and that whole sticking out with your friends through thick and thin shit largely depends on whether they are worthy of your kindness and devotion.

Lesson numero uno: Pick, CHOOSE your friends carefully.

Good friends are not always something passively given to you by 'destiny'. Just like happiness, most of the time creating a friendship that resonates with you is a deliberate choice. So one day, I decided to stop being friends with these people. It was scary because as a result of my decision I was alone. And I was alone for a long time. I had to readjust myself because I was used to having people to go out with and do a bunch of things together but now I was alone all the time in college: in class, during lunch and throughout the weeks. It was tough. But I just had to continue because even though it was hard and scary and I was on my own all the time, the truth was I would rather be alone than spend another moment in a negative relationship with people who only make me feel bad about myself.

I had just about enough with negative influences (going out late at night, the 'clique/herd' movement where you feel the pressure to follow the group decisions, the critiques disguised as 'sincere advices' and etc). Even doing things that were supposed to be fun was no longer enjoyable. It just felt forced. Instead of enjoying the moment, I tend to reminisce about how good things used to be. After my exchange with my friends, I just felt tired. Exhausted. Like I just got out of a battle.

And deep down, there is animosity simmering - you just don't like that person anymore. You might even resent them. But you stayed friends anyway because the alternative —cutting the friendship loose— is harder to do.  Besides, you want to be loyal to your friends. In your head, you probably think, we should accept our friends' flaws no matter how shitty they are because no one is perfect right? WRONG. It's all fine and dandy to accept people as they are but NOT at the cost of your self-worth/value.

Learn to respect yourself. Realize that NO ONE, nobody no matter what their reasons has the right to make you feel bad about yourself. You are someone who has something great and sincere to offer and you are worthy and deserving of respect and love.

Reorganize your priorities.

Choose good friends to hang out with. That means people who make you feel good about yourself. People who you feel happy to be around with, who are not complicated, they don't say something but mean something else altogether. No hidden agendas, no power plays. No high school drama.

Secondly, be a good friend to them while staying true to yourself. It's a delicate balance but it's okay. You'll figure it out.

ONLY THEN, after you have decided whether they are friends worth keeping that you can consider about loyalty and the whole she bang.

Lastly, it's crucial that you be aware that like many things in life, this is a long process characterize mainly by trial and error. Another thing to remember is do not depend on people, or things for your happiness. They are not gonna complete your life or fill the emptiness in your life and there will be times the very same people will disappoint you and crush your expectations. That is normal. That is human. What is wrong and unnatural is to put such high hope on things other than the Creator.

and listen to each other breathe

In an effort to get people to look
into each other's eyes more,
and also to appease the mutes,
the government has decided
to allot each person exactly one hundred
and sixty-seven words, per day.

When the phone rings, I put it to my ear
without saying hello. In the restaurant
I point at chicken noodle soup.
I am adjusting well to the new way.

Late at night, I call my long distance lover,
proudly say I only used fifty-nine today.
I saved the rest for you.

When she doesn't respond,
I know she's used up all her words,
so I slowly whisper I love you
thirty-two and a third times.
After that, we just sit on the line and listen to each other breathe

The Quiet World- Jeffrey McDaniel